The Leap

I honestly do love you. 

My stomach suspended in my throat. 

Like you think you are so unattractive but I know what unattractive is…

I’ve been there. 

And darling you are astoundingly wonderful to me. 

I’m hanging off a ledge here. 

So in love with you. 

Afraid and stripping all my protection free for you. 

You are the first real thing I ever felt. 

And I want to do this right. 

I know who you are, and im wide open. 

And so in love with you. 

Showing you parts that I’ve buried hidden down so deep, that I can’t even fathom them completely. 

And I’d sacrifice that safety for you. 

Asking nothing in return. 

And all gladly.


Like me?

I’m going to be honest. 
When you tell me forever, and beautiful, and your perfect. 

I wish I was wearing a mask and could take it off.

And be like how about now?

I’ll take all your ugly. 

I can take it. I’ll do anything.

I have done anything. 

I can take ugly believe me there is nothing you can serve me that is too much. 

But can you handle​ me when you realize what’s behind the intensity you “love” so much?

I honestly don’t expect you to. 

You have your whole life ahead of you, to be caught up with a women with my kind of traumatic issues.

But let’s be honest anyway. 
Even if it hurts my feelings. 
Do you still want to be with someone like me?

The Table

I’ve told you all I can say. 
And it’s too much.
It’s too much. 

Too much for me,

Too much to expect of you. 

No one signed up for the ugliness in the world. 

And you didn’t sign up for the ugliness in my world. 

And I keep poking and prodding.

How ugly can I get?

Can you live with what I carry inside? 

And still love me?

Because I can’t. 

Sometimes I can’t. 

This weight I carry around inside like a pillow full of feathers,

Did I appear glamorous?

When I sag my shoulders when you aren’t looking.

Who can tell I carry two hundred pounds in my stomach? 

Skipping around with lead in my esophagus like it’s just a bag of Jack’s to play with. 

Your eyes swallow me with a different kind of wonder.

A wonder of what kind of person I am.

Not that same kind of loving impossible wonder. 

That how the fuck can I handle this wonder?

How the fuck do you handle it wonder?

And Im left with, how the fuck could I have told him wonder?

But I need you to know who I am. 

I need someone to know. 

And maybe I didn’t ask the right questions. 

When I said, are you sure?

I know you didn’t have this in mind. 

But I told you we come from the same world. 

You didn’t believe me. 
When you talk about forever, am I the kind of stuff you can live with?

Yeah I carry it well.
But at the end of the day trash is trash, and shit is still gonna stink like shit. 
I know I look like a feast and I wish I was. 

Filled with pretty memories. 

But with me, you still have to eat your greens before dessert. 

And I’m sorry. 

I wish I had a way to tell you before you sat at the table. 


Shush my dear,

Your eyes softly said,

Come and rest your weary 


Heavy with the the weight of 

your dread. 

You let it build up into 

something you can’t carry. 

They gave you a cure,

But results may vary.

Because you are still walking 

around so heavy. 

Come put your soul to sleep. 

Stay silent and don’t make a 


And let the healing come in

 your sleep. 


Put your fingers in my hair

And strum.

Make me cry from the 


That our love has become. 

The separation has been too 


And we are suspended on the

hope that it won’t last. 

I curled into a cacoon of 


Blankets pillows, bedding, and 


Trying to soften the knots that 

don’t lessen. 

Haven’t you learned your lesson?

I writhe and slide, and weep, 

and bow. 

Need it all but can’t have it 


I feel you have stepped in and 

I’m left out. 

What is this feeling all about?

So use to the solitude.

Alone I can handle the cold.

Can wrangle myself into a 

choke hold. 

Can give myself some 

semblance of control. 

I run my fingers through my 


Hoping self love and tenderness will help. 

What was the point?

I’m all by myself.

A touch is a touch,

With or without.

I wasn’t as easy as I thought to

 lose my doubt. 

Swallowing trust like it’s good

 for my health. 

Is it obvious around everyone else,

I find it so hard to be myself?

I should go somewhere where 

I have it figured out.

And stop bothering people 

with my word of mouth.


How I’ve hungered for these lips,

Just one bite,

Nay a sip.
Touch your spine,

Your mind,

Your hip.
Ask one time,

Then once more ,

For it. 
Close my eyes,

The world,

And forget,
Anything that distracts me,

Takes from the satisfactory,

Of the sensations that you 



It was like a love letter to my soul. 

Words poured like velvet and freshly steemed gold.

So soft and sweet and tender.

So raw and sad and bold.

Your world cut open like a geode,with precious gem stones sparkling for me to hold. 

It’s the tiniest things you say. 

That paint my sky and brighten my day. 

I want to be with you and always know I’ll be okay. 

It’s​ like pulling teeth to open your mouth and get you to say. 

All these rare things, that shine like diamond rings, I’m wearing on my face, so dazed.

Why would you surprise me and make me feel this way?

Then leave me hanging like my feelings are out of place. 

Don’t you know you are a treasure trove of a maze. 

With every step I find my self more off base. 

I’m not use to feeling like I can’t find my way.  
Don’t you know I love you?

Don’t you want the same?

You stroke me like a violin with so much intensity I wouldn’t think it’s a game. 

I could be wrong again,

And it wouldn’t be the first time I made the mistake. 

You are worth the uncertainty, even if it’s all fake. 

I want to know where you go at the end of this maze. 

The twist and turns are just a part of the pace. 

The pathway home to your heart in place. 

Somewhere there you did think it could be changed. 

Who You Were

I could feel your lips slipping 

past mine,

Caught in the snares,

-In the frames of my mind.
Hands so tender,

Feeling so apprehensive,

Your insecurities were so 

fucking seductive
You made me feel like a man,

You let me have the upper 


You didn’t know what we were doing,

But I did. 
So young and impressionable,

So fresh and open in throws,

So naive and open to know,

What a beautiful soul. 
Why would you want to change

The roots of what I loved,

Took them like a flower and 


Not really knowing what you

were giving up.

In my memories that’s what I treasured,

And I don’t know who you are,

Are you gone forever?
Becoming so cold and acting so


You make my stomach shiver,

A sadness seeped into my liver,

And I felt it flush through me 

like a fever.
Do you really want to play these games?

When we can be doing something so much better?

You can have me how ever,

When you are who you are,

Now I’m steady looking for 

your heart. 

I’ll find you,

I’m hunting for your spark. 
Don’t worry I’ll go down deep 

where they won’t go. 

I’ll plant the seeds and tend 

them to grow. 

Soon our love will work all on 

its own,

Because I never let it wither,

Even you doubted it would 

You don’t have to know 

because I do. 

Go ahead, go out and Chase. 

You’ll find the world is a bug place and find that home is in the realms of my space. 

Where you left to find some- 


Abundance was in your own 


What being could love you more?

Than a goddess that lives to adore? 

When you come back remember who you are.

A god that is all, and has all therefore. 


Your eyes are worlds of peridots and amber. Hazy with two planets colliding. A milkly way of two Andromeda’s turning into one galaxy. The collision of your gaze, makes my heart turn into my stomach. My heart so green with pounding. My stomach so auburn with burning. It doesn’t make sense how the seasons of your eyes, these turning leaves, can affect me so. Still I am wild with the nature of you. Unselfed by your abundance of being. I often wonder what worlds you have travelled in me, that I have missed? Do you see creation in my form like I see trees blooming and kissing the sky? Do you capture glimpses of the cacoons of sleeping potential in my lazy eyes, like caterpillars meditating into butterflies? Do you you saturate in my wonders the way I marinate in your marvels? Give me a world of you and I’ll give you this flowing galactic sea of me. Let us share in the colors of our blending souls. Like the shifting of autumn shares in the changing currents of universal breath. Let us breath deeply of the autumn winds. Let us bask in the colors it brings, before they fade from the forest floor and become spring. Let us honor the harvesting of being. The gentle shift of changing decaying matter into blossoming radiant energy. The importance of giving outdated parts of ourselves up so that we may grow into brighter blossoms. So that we may live again in a  more magnificent form then we once conceived for ourselves. Let us lay to rest and make room for those that will share greatness with us once again. Let us not hesitate. Let us embrace it’s wisdom. Praise autumn in its hazel gaze. Praise.