Caught in thoughts like…
“This is the best they will ever love you.”
Trying to convince myself again to swallow second rate love.
So I can somehow continue.
Find some worth in my life.
“Some love is better than no love.”
When the warrior inside me is raging, “We didn’t spend all these years fighting tooth and nail to settle for less than our just due.”
“But you see..” I try to reason. “This is all we are getting. Who has ever offered us more?”
And it pounds its chest in rage. This matriarch. This long dead and yet to be born, savage bred women. If it is a women. Maybe it’s just a being…Wholesome and earthen tough. “WE OFFER OURSELVES MORE. We decide. If they can not be more, then they are worthless to us. Just as surely as we are worthless to them. You put too much stock into having purpose for others. What joy has it brought you? What of the joy of yourself? This conditioned thinking of self sacrificing purpose, is nothing but propoganda of the government and those who can afford to pay to orchestrate that kind of idealism and not have to adhere to it themselves. So you think they slave themselves? Do they sacrifice their joys and their desires? Do they feel guilty? I will tell you they do not. I will tell you to remember a time before you felt compelled to conform. Remember it clearly, because it is yours. It belongs to you. That feeling. It is a feeling meant to be felt forever. Words like liberty and freedom can’t contain it. It is the sensation of pure being. Organic essence. That is wild flowers and trees. You are just as fierce-some as a volcano and deserve the same reverance as any of nature’s forces. You don’t listen to your feelings and that why you are going mad. You are not an illogical person that has to dissect every bit of their own intentions. You have a strong moral compass. So when your feelings tell you something. YOU LISTEN. Your feelings have merit. People are not what they suggest and certainly not what they earn of you. You give too much at a price too little. Do not ask liberty of others. Do not ask permission. No one will ever give it to you. This country was built from slaves and martyrs, what good has it done America? An America that is poisoning herself to death from the inside. While others tape her suicide, to watch later while they masturbating and drown in their own sloth. Do you honestly want to be like them? To die for them? These people that ask you to change everything that you were made perfectly to be? No, they are not worthy. I will not die for it and neither shall you. Not while there is truth. Not while we have justice to guide the way. We shall prevail.”
I find my thoughts quieted and contemplative. We have had similar conversations before.
This silent internal voice and I.
Always I find it’s majesty piercing through my self pity.
I’ll wake up from the haze and look around.
For days on end all human companionships are unbarable.
For they are all fleeting and superficial compared to this friend of mine.
I ask God, “Stripe me of all falsehoods in my life. Purify me and show me truth. Let me walk the path of the just and use me as your instrument to exact justice.”
The more I pray, the lonelier I become.
I walk in solitude with God.
I walk in truth.
Our conversations go on…