I had a guy tell me over and over again that he had never met a girl like me. I couldn’t be real. Part of me agreed internally. You haven’t met a person like me. We just met. I have never met a person like me and I have known myself my whole life. The other part of me was seething at his privileged ignorance. He seemed in awe of the fact someone like me could exist at all in female form.
This kept chiming in my head everytime he made comments like ” I can’t believe a girl like you knows this stuff.” Does it seemed so far fetched? So astounding? Really have you never conceived that a women, any women, would have interest of that, you yourself never conceived of. Everytime he said it, his eyes got wider with greed like he had found the female decore to showscape his masculine beliefs and pride; that he couldn’t wait to get his hands on and take home. He made more incoherent comments already planning out everything that I would be to him, that HE wanted. All I could do is sit there and watch him build his destruction by himself.
I have no part in this planning. There is no me in the light of his eyes. I want had part in this and I am already in my head, far away from his disillusionment. His mindset of women left me itchy like an old suffocating wool sweater that would not come off. Not as a women, but as a person. A person who both adores women, men, and all that falls in between. As a person that adores the nature of people. When I was a child, I was a child. This gender thing, it had no place in my world. A world without limitations.
When I was a child I was the androgyny of innocence. There is violence in what we do to each other in this Society. There is a violence when we make children conform and lock them in our mental cages of understanding. There is an abuse when we limit these children who just came to us, birthed from the eternal place of limitlessness. There is a violence when we assume.
There is a violence when flattering one, we put another down. There is violence in never considering the fact that all my sister’s are just as extraordinary as me; just as hungry as I am for information. There is a violence in seeing yourself as a man. There is a violence in seeing me as a women. There is a violence being ignored in all simple interactions; because we have accepted authority figures as an authoritative voice for the collective, of what is socially acceptable. There is violence in accepting these authorities as a voice for yourself. There is violence in not being responsible for your own voice.
There is violence in our doubt. There is violence in our acceptance and allowances of this behavior everyday. There is violence in shrinking ourselves for others. There is violence in making ourselves greater than other. There is perpetual habitual violence, surrounding our affections and ultimately our behavior towards ourselves. We have been taught and conditioned into the legacy of fear and violence. We have been taught to fear being unuseful and disappointing.
We have condition ourselves to be the tools of purpose for others first. Conditioned ourselves to believe that our mere existence is not a purpose in of itself. There is violence in not being a place of care for yourself firstly. There is violence in believing one is not purposeful unto oneself. There is violence in assuming that a person is not filled with infinite knowledge because of your own limitations and doubt. There is violence in not acknowledging the projection of your self violence unto others.
There is a psychological legacy of wounds passed on through out our entire society, through out our entire world. No one has gone unscathed. This wound will not heal if we don’t address it, if we don’t clean it, tend it, dress it, and make an opportunity for growth. Growth from the limitations of violence that we have been repeating. We have not been living our own lives because of this violence. We are not us because of this violence. We are not whole when we are not giving. Giving love, compassion, and gratitude to ourselves and others. We are not ourselves when we accept the limitations that are not in the inherent nature of limitless beings.
Do not accept violence of any kind. Don’t accept limitations. Don’t deny your true nature. What is certain of freedom is ability and choice. We are free beings.
© Zianna Libardo Valexia Valtero, 2016