Submissive

She chattered on
With no care as to if I was listening;
Or if I even wanted to listen.

She just kept pouring and pouring,
Getting louder and louder;
Like a storm, all lightening, thunder, and words
Competing with the music that is jammed at full volume into my exhausted ears.

I felt the overwhelming sense to cry,
I thought, oh my, this is how I’m going to die;
With no one else knowing what goes on inside.
With no one caring that every moment of my life is suicide.

Killing all my feeling because they are always upset.

Will I ever escape to forget or get comfortable enough to be present?

I’m not so sure I’ll ever get to that place that I’ve so hoped I met.

With not a millisecond of peace, but at times clarity of the synchrony of suffering; that threatens constantly to overcome and end me.

I should have died that night, that I came to life.
I should have shriveled up, in the on coming doom and still born, died in the womb.

There should have been a lot of things, that come out all too horrible to speak.
So which is the truth, am I miserable choking down happiness, or joyful choking down suffering? I suppose either way I’m weak.

I don’t know my temperament I’ve lost myself in the bewilderment.
This shouldn’t be something you are able to forget, but I can’t find myself anywhere in the settlement.

I guess I’m insane and still losing it.
So I don’t bother to resist, and make amends with the discordant way I exist.
I breathe and hold my breath.
Expand and restrict my breast.
Choking it all down with love and tenderness.

 

© Zianna Libardo Valexia Valtero, 2016

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