The disillusionment of a Motherless Child


There was a time when I thought my mother didn’t love me

A time I thought I couldn’t ever love her

I was wrong

I thought I knew enough to get me by

I had read so much

Seen so much

Learned so much

But I forgot a true teacher is a student that never stops learning

I thought I knew my mother

I thought I knew myself

But I was too bitter to realize

That my resentment was blocking my views

My heavy heart

Only seen and accepted heavy woe

I was wrong

Dearly wrong

I didn’t know any thing about love

I didn’t know that every love is different

They don’t tell you that in the fairytales

That every love is its own

I seen my mother with my brother and sister

She didn’t hold me

Hug me

Kiss me

Look at me

Like them

She gave them something different

That she didn’t give me

She gave them affection

And me education

Foolish as I was

I thought one more precious than the other

What we dont have

That others do

Always looks sweeter

She said once

“You never needed me when you were little

You did everything on your own

You were always helping

You would ask me to change Melanie’s diapers

They needed me more”

How could I ask for help?

It was always so hard for us

And it was never fair

I just wanted to make it fair

We were always struggling

There was never any rest

Or time to catch our breath

I didn’t want to be more trouble

I was such an anxious child you told me

“When ever we went somewhere you always wanted to go home

No matter what we did

Or where we went

You always wanted to go home

You would tell me

Mom, I want to go home now

When are we going home, Im tired”

I just didn’t want to get in trouble

And something was always upsetting you

Though no where ever quite felt like home

At least where we lived there were doors

To shut things out

To give at least a false sense of safety

I didn’t know that every love is different

I didn’t know that not every love is equal

Or that it shouldn’t be expected to be equal

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The Breath Before the Storm


Unleash

Release

Give ease

Give need

Let be

Unravel

Go

Into the force

Into the soul

Out of head

Out of control

I want it all

Feel everything

Unfold

The great emptying

Pent up

Tied down

Tried to get it

Tried to let it out

If the flame is burning

I dont feel a sting

The fire dances on my skin

As Im observing

Am I in here

Make a sound

Its unnerving

Im so done with my shit

I cant remain stagnant

Let me burst into flames

I am living life

Like a bird

Caught in a cage

But the doors wide  open

All I need is to fly

Rise and rise

Burst into light

Feel the flame

Lift from the ashes

Untamed

Like a tornado passing

I fight my self

Am I weak

Am I strong

Is it in me

Laying dormant all along

Am I anything at all

But the tide

I rise and fall

Drift

Crash

Writh

The current calls

My siren song

To the bottom of ocean

 Or the top of its storm

A revelating  notion

To belong to no form