The Secret Cycle

I wonder if I should kill myself

everyday it comes back to this

at least once

I wonder

why I do this

keep struggling

keep suffering

all this pain

for just a moment of beauty

I hate it sometimes

I hate the ignorance people share

the ignorance they keep alive

out of hatred and fear’

of themselves

How can they do that?

experience all that pain

and still try to put someone else through it

It scares me

people really scare me

how ugly they can be to each other

and everyday I think

I do not want to live in a world

with all of this deliberately enforced ignorance

I feel like I BETRAY EVERYTHING I LOVE

everything I adore

by continuing to live

to tolerate the ignorance

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want something I do to change it

but nothing ever does

I can’t even help those closer to me

and why do I KEEP GOING

keep living

it all feels hopeless

Iook around at these people

and they carry around this sense of hopeless

everywhere

and it hurts like nothing else

it seems endless

eternal

like everything I know to be beautiful

and it drains me

I feel emptier every moment in their presence

I feel void

abysmal

and if I want lovely experiences

I have to suffer these heart wrenching instances

possibility seems fragile

Yes, I am life’s lover

with a lethal hunger

I would miss music

I would miss singing

I feel like a lie

my words fall on empty spaces

and that only death hears

I pass on phantomlike

and all the beauty I give

is retrieved by wandering air

I give nothing to life

I am space

I don’t know why

if this is self pity

or the actions towards me

really are careless

without taste

or consideration

I am in love with a life that doesn’t love me

in a one sided romance

I don’t want to be foolish

or pathetic anymore

one should know when to bow out

with honor

grace

and truth

I don’t want to be like these senseless creatures

I am tired of feeling so small

I try to grasp to the positivity

make it real

I focus on precious things

but it comes back

like throw up

that my pretty things

don’t belong

is this still self hatred

I thought I was working on this

I thought I knew

I still don’t know

it feels real

too real

I feel really sick

horrendously sick

this poison sits in my tummy

bubbling

popping

taunting

daring

I am afraid

I hate fear

It doesn’t make sense

but nothing makes sense anymore

I am choking on mountain air

so alive to death

rotting to life

I look for comfort

but what is comforting anymore

I hold myself

falling apart

I never want to cry

but lost feels like evaporating steam

I am a dream

within a dream

within a dream

no one was ever listening

no

no one

so was I really speaking

ever living

might as well go

there is nothing left to know

if this is certain

and nothing is certain

I write in a full room

people shuffle back and forth

passing by

not me

not here

I can’t be seen

yes, this must be a dream

not my dream

Living is dying

over

and

over

over

over

over

over

over

I am exhausted by the cycle

mental illness runs deep in my veins

no one would blame

its expected to be insane

Its no surprise

I am just another life

why do I go on

like I belong

do any of us

why

each question

I die

every answer

has two

one bright

one dim

one lie

one true

nothing else to do

but keep pushing through

maybe someday

ill find something

myself

maybe it will finally mean

and Ill know

I wasn’t a waste

with every death

I find my place

still want to die

and I do

I do

with every dream

word

honor

and truth

over

and

over

Dying is living

I am alive

glad to die

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