I remember the zesty taste of your outlandish intrigue.
A moment full of life.
This is something.
This could be anything.
I remember the sense of possibility.
I knew you would be my adventure.
I knew I would put my all into you, the way I never put any effort into anything.
I had no reason to live.
To even want to feel.
I say the possibility of true beauty in you.
I wanted to just see you.
See you all the time.
I wanted you to want me to see you.
And you did.
But you didn’t.
See, I saw you.
I just didn’t know I was seeing me.
See I wanted to be seen.
but I didn’t.
I want the acceptance without the expectation.
Without the demands.
With out commitment.
Especially without responsibility.
You just wanted to be loved without having to love.
We were alike.
I knew from the start.
I just didn’t know how.
I just was overwhelmed by a yearning I had never yearned before.
I was in awe.
Blatant wonder of this want, so strong, it could tease a need.
I have never been comfortable wanting what didn’t want me back.
I had well learned the role of irrelevant and had no desire to be good at it.
I needed to be necessary.
And you went out of your way to make me feel so.
Until you remembered what necessary means.
Necessary is a need.
You wanted nothing to do with needs.
You yearned for independence of all.
I yearned for independence of people.
I wanted beauty.
You wanted nothing.
We broke each other.
We went against our own practices.
we thought we were lonely.
we thought we understood each other.
You were scared.
I was braved.
I saw the stark scream of fear in you, of me.
A fear of what I could mean.
A fear of consequences.
Consequences of which I had none for you.
I was not you.
I would not punish you for curiosity.
So I carefully let you down.
And you savagely abandoned me.
Not even friends.
Not even sorry.
Just your brother.
His kind words.
His warm concern.
His attention to detail.
Unattached but understanding.
Just his eyes kind.
Just him filling your void.
His syllables rocked me to sleep at night.
Chasing away consonants nightmares of you.
He could of had me.
He understood me, the way you never bothered to.
A whole year of constant moments.
His brief ones.
He knew that I didn’t need to be had.
He knew I needed to be known.
On the edge.
I had one foot off.
Wind at my back.
I had set sail on the ship of self destruction.
Towards the horizon of nothingness.
In the sea of self pity.
I was falling.
When he grabbed me.
Pulled me in.
And just looked at me.
The way a soul is seen.
Not in any way.
But in being.
Yes, I trembled.
My skin was artic.
As I had been through a many blizzards.
As my flesh leathery was accustomed.
His eyes warmed me.
His look smoothed me.
And I Iet go of my breath.
I had been holding that inhalation for an eternity.
He knew what people could do to people.
He knew what I was.
A shattered piece.
His touch said.
“I handle with care.”
and I forgot you.
You can’t hold onto harm.
It will obliterate you.
Kindles the being.
It can imprint a warmth that survives all reality.
And I forgave you.
Because you must be lost.
To have a brother like that.
And be the way you are.
And one must always forgive and love lost children.
They need it most.
I should know.
My palace was neverland.
He was Peter Pan.
I was Wendy.
I was enchanted.
Just be near his open wonder and kindness.
I just hope you are a lost boy.
And not Hook.
Because with friends like Peter.
Who needs a Mr. Smee?