His eyes countered mine, with are you okay? My eyes showed the lie, I am always okay. I wasn’t okay. You couldn’t read the languages of my body like I so frequently read yours. I am beginning to believe. I have no language. That my body is as silent as the horrifying distance between. The distance that shadows me everywhere. Say quietly in the guise of silence, that it isn’t so. That you and if not, any someone will unveil this mystery, besides me. For every word I divulge, falls to secret as if they never were. Unborn and unheard. I hear you. That loud thirst for the watery women in which your desires insist I must be. Yet, I feel desolate and dry as death valley. I pray show me these sweet showers you speak of. Where do they wander or rest? I see not a dew drop for salvation. Hear not a word of consolation. In the vast silence, I hear but only eternity, in it’s mocking certainty. Come forth. Come home. Oh, child being of grace. Humanity is not a place for souly pure loving existence. It is a place for adventure. In all pain and joy. For utter transformation. To love as love, is to leave humanity for pure being. Such an animation belongs to divinity. Be divine and let go. Or be mortal and stay. Come. Here is home. Your eyes don’t say, stay. They say, where are you? I don’t know what my eyes say. Standing in front of you, I must be so faraway. Can’t you hear me? I’m telling you I am right here, and I’m okay.
I remember the zesty taste of your outlandish intrigue.
A moment full of life.
This is something.
This could be anything.
I remember the sense of possibility.
I knew you would be my adventure.
I knew I would put my all into you, the way I never put any effort into anything.
I had no reason to live.
To even want to feel.
I say the possibility of true beauty in you.
I wanted to just see you.
See you all the time.
I wanted you to want me to see you.
And you did.
But you didn’t.
See, I saw you.
I just didn’t know I was seeing me.
See I wanted to be seen.
but I didn’t.
I want the acceptance without the expectation.
Without the demands.
With out commitment.
Especially without responsibility.
You just wanted to be loved without having to love.
We were alike.
I knew from the start.
I just didn’t know how.
I just was overwhelmed by a yearning I had never yearned before.
I was in awe.
Blatant wonder of this want, so strong, it could tease a need.
I have never been comfortable wanting what didn’t want me back.
I had well learned the role of irrelevant and had no desire to be good at it.
I needed to be necessary.
And you went out of your way to make me feel so.
Until you remembered what necessary means.
Necessary is a need.
You wanted nothing to do with needs.
You yearned for independence of all.
I yearned for independence of people.
I wanted beauty.
You wanted nothing.
We broke each other.
We went against our own practices.
we thought we were lonely.
we thought we understood each other.
You were scared.
I was braved.
I saw the stark scream of fear in you, of me.
A fear of what I could mean.
A fear of consequences.
Consequences of which I had none for you.
I was not you.
I would not punish you for curiosity.
So I carefully let you down.
And you savagely abandoned me.
Not even friends.
Not even sorry.
Just your brother.
His kind words.
His warm concern.
His attention to detail.
Unattached but understanding.
Just his eyes kind.
Just him filling your void.
His syllables rocked me to sleep at night.
Chasing away consonants nightmares of you.
He could of had me.
He understood me, the way you never bothered to.
A whole year of constant moments.
His brief ones.
He knew that I didn’t need to be had.
He knew I needed to be known.
On the edge.
I had one foot off.
Wind at my back.
I had set sail on the ship of self destruction.
Towards the horizon of nothingness.
In the sea of self pity.
I was falling.
When he grabbed me.
Pulled me in.
And just looked at me.
The way a soul is seen.
Not in any way.
But in being.
Yes, I trembled.
My skin was artic.
As I had been through a many blizzards.
As my flesh leathery was accustomed.
His eyes warmed me.
His look smoothed me.
And I Iet go of my breath.
I had been holding that inhalation for an eternity.
He knew what people could do to people.
He knew what I was.
A shattered piece.
His touch said.
“I handle with care.”
and I forgot you.
You can’t hold onto harm.
It will obliterate you.
Kindles the being.
It can imprint a warmth that survives all reality.
And I forgave you.
Because you must be lost.
To have a brother like that.
And be the way you are.
And one must always forgive and love lost children.
They need it most.
I should know.
My palace was neverland.
He was Peter Pan.
I was Wendy.
I was enchanted.
Just be near his open wonder and kindness.
I just hope you are a lost boy.
And not Hook.
Because with friends like Peter.
Who needs a Mr. Smee?
hungry human beings.
Oh yes, I almost fear them.
If I had the courage to fear.
I would fear them resentfully.
Yet, fear is a disservice to who I am.
So I admire.
I admire the beautiful when I met them.
So rarely they are exotic.
Rushing by as the illusion of time does.
I admire their unapologetic truths.
Their hunger to understand themselves.
I only focus on the good.
The bad is endless and seems to keeps on going.
But the beautiful can sneak on past if not paid careful just to.
The tear stain tinkle of an eye.
That sense of vulnerable overwhelming.
The perfection of the pores be-telling all we don’t speak on.
Fragile things make us.
Fragile things break us.
We give ourselves undeserved importance.
Only fragile beings mean anything in life.
We besmirch ourselves with pride.
We should wonder.
Curious for curiouser.
Understand that smalls details make extraordinary circumstances.
Lose your mind and feel something.
Just don’t be human.
Don’t repeat our ancient mistakes.
Be the trees.
Just don’t be Human.
Be in love with everything.
Let it ruin you.
It’s better than the selfish remains of destructive humanity.
Don’t be human.
I take to tender passages of lovely moments.
I harness all I know of love.
If caring is truly caring, you’ll take me.
You’ll whisper as a spring breeze, whispers intimately across my skin.
Hours, I search to escape to the dwelling of you.
Like a loyal worshiper, I kneel at your temple.
I burn sweet inflections of incense.
Let ghostly warm fog of scent, fill the air around us.
You are this great monument of remarkable.
This marvel of awe inspiring.
With the doors locked behind me.
Pews a row of emptiness.
My tinkling spurts of gasping praises fill the echoes of this monastery.
In the cold spaces, I feel your caress.
Slow endless tears are my gratitude.
Empty never was so full.
Yearning never so fulfilled.
As this intimacy of worship and worshiper.
Without judgment you let me vent my delusions of beyond.
My love of eternity.
My spiritual need of dreams.
Reality has broken my fragile bones.
Mutilated my essential being.
Tied me up and tortured my one and only meek wish.
My one small desire.
In all of my existence, I have but yearned for something beyond this reality.
Evidence of something beyond this mercilessly harsh humanity.
Please if there is only emptiness.
Let it take me.
Let me become void.
Anything but this humanity.
Let me be soul.
But not human.
Let the mysterious contradiction of time take me.
Let me fall to death.
Let me fall to void.
Let me fall even to a nameless existence of no consciousness.
I’ll fall to anything but humanity.
Every plea, you have heard.
Every exhaustion, felt.
Every wonder, accepted.
Every sorrow, consoled.
Every love, understood.
Every dread, relieved.
Swept up into the stagnant shameless air that surrounds you.
And you may not be there.
Or you may.
I don’t expect a thing.
I let any beauty I make of you, be my own responsibility.
I hold you not accountable.
A selfless love I create.
Safe from all humanity.
At the end.
I’ll not be disappointed.
I am aware of all I do.
My delusions make life less a burden.
My beliefs make me less human.
If it matters to no one but me.
I am content.
I thank you anyway.
The way a curious child thanks a wonder.
In case, you are there.
In case, you need thanking the way I need believing.
Encompassing the shallow pools of my blood.
My vein thin and webbed swallow my tiny frame.
Constant suggestions of humanity.
Short spurts of truth in cups of pain.
A soul to sip.
A soul to feel.
A hot spirit in a confining cocoon.
I don’t dwell.
I won’t stay in hell.
Gasping for the sky.
I wasn’t human to anyone.
Not to be loved.
No sweet breeze.
Just streaming autumn leaves.
Caterpillars hold my love.
crawling over me.
I can’t cry.
I’ve never even tried.
For the falling of skin.
For the shreds to leave.
Azure skies haunt me.
Cradling me with I can.
Stagnant in my wonder.
These walls of air.
Echo their own.
Just like love.
Like cool waves.