Continued


harrowed

brused

weary

tipping

falling

crash

kneeling

pushing

standing

growing

jumping

lifting

flying

up

away

far

gone

beginning

continuing

life

 

opening

mouth

vocal

cords

shrilling

loud

honest

resonate

sheer

disturbing

awakening

uplifting

clear

crisp

engulfing

cradling

consoling

singing

songs

of

everlasting

life

Carried


I carried you

on my back

through the desert

through the burning of my flesh

the burning of my bones

the burning of my ashes

the until the wind came

swept me up

away

and on it’s back

your words carried their solemn resonance

chasing me

haunting me

with your carnage of words

and my death was unmoving

only your feelings

validated by your animation

struck a cord

on the song of the wind

“You broke my heart.”

a heart I nurtured?

a heart that lives?

oh no

I bleed for your heart

you burned mine

and cast the ashes to the upturned sky

so my will was blue

as the reflecting sea

I should have loved better

much differently

I should have loved you little

and let your limbs carry ye

I should have burned for the wanders

that look for the stars for solace

not for you

Not so true

a fool of me

a fool I’d be

if not for the wind

that carried me

 

 

Never for me


inner core

inner being

inner life

inner meaning

reaching

withdrawling

yearning

calling

I have let you go

who are you

never for me

did you lay

never for me

did you stay

never for me

never for me

for not

and bitter sweets

I have grown silent

never for me

I understand

never for me

I can’t not love you

never for me

as loving will do

never for me

you cannot see

never for me

I could not be

never for me

the things we seek

I have forgiven

let go

forgotten

who I am truly

never for me

So Worth It


touch me
tell me everything is okay
without words
or trying to fill in the space
tell me your hurt
with your whispered sight
all that I have
is to make it alright
close my eyes
 and listen to your heart beat
bang in your chest
like a call to my soul
that I have come to know best
don’t say sorry
just hold me tight
don’t you worry
lets just not fight
you peek at me
under your eyelashes
I glance at you
taking chances
hold me together
like two broken souls
each part of me
and never let go
I don’t expect you to believe
I know people lie
lets just see
and give it a try
I am no better than you
and you no better than me
we are just ourselves
within these people
 we just can’t see
but I’ll look after you
and you will look after me
if we can see each other
maybe we will finally break free
I know doubt haunts our every step
we grew in it’s shadow
and this shadow never left
just put your arms around me
and say “This feels so right” again
we can fight away the fears
and finally let the light in
I miss the sky
and I miss the sun
I don’t want to miss a thing
if you could be the one
look at me
and blush one more time
your eyes are so green
and you could be mine
pull me closer
for one more kiss
I know I waited over and over
just for this
and if this is tragedy
it is still perfect
because the way you have me
is so worth it

Like Beginning


You tell me to leave
and to be honest
I no longer want to stay
I am expendible
I might as well go away
maybe this time
I will be come the wind
end and begin
maybe I will turn into the sky
become whatever people choose to see
without ever questioning why
maybe I will become a tree
maybe I just won’t exist
so no one will bother me
it will feel so good to end
it will be a relief
a heavy weight off my shoulders
to not be
I walk outside
and the night air
is freezing cold
I shiver
tremble
shake
the chill invades my skin
everything stands on end
my bare feet scream
against the frozen floor
I look up at the stars
and my burning hot heart hurts
with each beat it rages against the cold
as if it has a chance
or can make a difference
as if it matters to beat
breath
live
I look up at my sisters and brothers
my faraway family
burning
on and on
contented
and purposeless
in space
and I reach for them
with my entire being
with this inexhaustible yearning
and I am carried away
into the cold fray
of everything
I forget my heart
it is frantic and urgent
such things don’t last
I forget my life
and my soul
such things are extraneous
and I go
and it is beautiful
AND I AM GONE
and I feel all around me
this profound certainty
that never was
and I cry
but it isn’t a cry
it is gratitude
relief
mercy
peace
the end
the end
THE END
but there is no such thing as goodbye
and as all things end
it is, all things begin
and it feels like beginning

Right Here


shocking emotion
abrupt commotion
seeking validation
unwilling dedication
stop,
stop.
I’ve had enough
it’s enough
no more
close the door
hit the lock
being alone
kill the clock
I am done
I want silence
I want none
I have decided
because I can’t fight it
in the end
it’s all in vain
stop the effort
stop the strain
and just breathe
 in
out
get up
leave
breathe,
breathe,
BREATHE!?
I didn’t realize all this time
 I was holding my breath
preparing for the blow
that was coming next
I didn’t realize
 I was on the defense
I didn’t realize
I was choking to death
I didn’t realize
anything but the pounding in my chest
I forgot how to live
I got use to suffering
turned it into loving
dependant on wrong
like it might be the rest of the song
now it is clear
I need to breathe
breathe,
I am here
no where else
but right here
without anxiety
or fear
right now
right here
in all now has to give
I have to live
in all that the future doesn’t have
I have to make it last
there is no future
there is no past
I won’t let it get me down
I have right now
I have time to figure it out
what is there to doubt?
as long I can breathe in
 and out
and all that I wanted
all that I held dear
is right there
right here

Sperm Donor


I am his shadow
His translucent twin
I send nightmares at night
And deathly visions in the wind
I go everywhere he goes
and never
stray away
you can never see me
except on a sunny day
you never hear me
but understand what I say
I have his face
and it never washes away
I am stuck with his stupid mistakes
pain that, it quivers and it quakes
she only sees him in me
the suffering he caused is all I’ll ever be
so when he disappears maybe I’ll be
finally seen for me
oh what a wonderful dream to see

That Home


I am
nothing
and will always be
nothing
and when the door closes
and the worlds ends
I will be
everywhere
I will be
everything
then everyone will see
everyone will understand
and I will finally understand
the perfect harmony
of being nothing
and how
it’s low notes
continue into the rich high notes
of everything
into this one song
into this one moment
suspended
sempiternal
infinite
with such divine cohesion
these notes
collide
into an array
and an overlapping
of awe inspiring
orchestra
that overwhelms
all sense of being
and out of being
with the music so loud
and infinitesimal
that is wipes away
all doubts and detractions
fills the heart
and essence to burst
and with one perfect cry
I shatter
and come apart
from the cracked seams
that have managed to hold me together for so long
and bind to me to madness
this breaking
is such relief
and the cry continues raising up and lifting
into the song
becoming the symphony
leaving the horrible loneliness
that makes it sound weak and miserable
and joining the voices
of the muses
this once horrid cry
has blossomed into
an absolute staccato
and I am one of them
these voices
I am home
with these shouting noises
and I
there is no I
and we sound so
fateful
endings
and beginnings
meeting
we hug and caress
stare at each other
for hours on end
our mouths wide open
crying
shouting each others profound beauty
lost in the maze
of awe
seeing ourselves
within ourselves
out of ourselves
the way we were never able to see ourselves
and we gasp
yes, in surprise
and yes
even the gasp that linger into sighs
echoes on as heart wrenching music
mostly
we have forever
we have such greedy passionate heart
forever is perfect and still
habits die hard
it does not seem enough
for every moment has it’s paradox
yet
I cannot be bitter
I have waited patiently for this
and enough
is too human an illusion for this
and I am grateful
even if this is just one second
stretched to seem longer
as it often happens with us humans
and our delusions
it is the most beautiful
and most profound second
in all the seconds
and I will always remember it as first
even when I can’t remember anymore
my essence will sing for it
that home

Esoteric Obscurity


Close your heart
close your soul
discipline your mind
don’t lose control
breath in
breath out
shut the doors
close your mouth
 don’t panic
don’t anger
it’s all semantics
your hearts in danger
look straight
compose yourself
no hate
there is nothing else
conceal
hide
it’s not real
it’s a lie
don’t hesitate
don’t reply
be patient
always try
determination
in the face of death
separation
from the rest
everything I am
belongs to me
they’ll never know
they’ll never see
my life is a secret
an esoteric obscurity