It’s been a long journey. I have come to this place though that I can finally say with such certainty that I am proud of who I am. I like who I am. I love who I am. I study all the aspects of myself with a strangers detachment. I analyze myself with such awe. It has never been so easy. I have never felt so unashamed to say I like what I see.
If you would have asked me maybe months ago. Without a doubt I would give you limitless reasons why I am ugly and a piece of shit. The only things I thought were remarkable about me was my voice and my writing. I couldn’t find any stretch of peace within myself.
Now I look at myself and I admire myself. I think little me would definitely look up to me. I like my hair and the way I look. I like my voice and my writing. I like the way I think and act. I don’t hate myself anymore.
I have come a long way. And yeah I still get depressed and wish I didn’t exist because I am tired of the world. But I no longer want to die because of how much I hate and can’t stand myself.
I enjoy who I am. I see myself the the eyes of the people that love and cherish me. If you would have told me my freshman year I would feel this way I wouldn’t believe you for anything. It is strange understanding and feeling this way about myself.
I almost wonder how I got here. Yes, with hard work and dedication but what changed? How did it change? I think change can be the biggest representation of God. Change works i mysterious ways and you never see it coming. It overwhelms your life so you know nothing else,
If you ask me if I am happy I will still have to say no. But I have made peace with who I am, with life, and with God. It makes me think of that band.”The World Is A Beautiful Place And I am No Longer Afraid To Die.”
Or that song “Sleepwalking.” By The Casket Girls. I am not afraid or ashamed of who I am anymore. I understand all the aspects of me and accept them. It feels real good. If there is a peace, paradise, or heaven it is in this knowledge.
I truly believe there are no consequences or accidents. I believe that all my suffering was meant to lead me here. To this Awakening. To this Consciousness.