At one moment I will look all around and just appreciate and love life. The next moment I get so low. So under it all. I fill like I am on the inside of a dome looking up at the going-on’s of life. I can see it all but I am separate from it. I really want to reach out and touch it. Want to participate but I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to just leap in and get carried away. Mostly I am just very afraid that this is all there is to life. This staring up and never experiencing. I think what is worse is that one day the lid of this dome might be removed only to show that all I envisioned and fell in love with about life were just my own delusions. That all beauty is, is the inside of me.
That I wasted all my effort trying for something better. Suffered in vain. I think that is a very terrifying thought. Yet, isn’t that life? A lot of things happen in vain.
I mostly just want to end it all. I am really tired and bored of it all. I try to distract myself from these thoughts. Yet I am always lead astray back to this thought. That I am wasting my time here. A lot of what I know about honor says that nothing good we do is a waste.
I just get so disheartened and confused. I don’t know what is real and what is right. I just do what seems like the best thing. I have people that would seem to get very upset if I left. I try to do right by them. I am just not happy here.
I am trying to figure things out. I am trying to figure how to be healthy and at peace. I worry that there might be none for me. I try not to worry because I know it is useless. Idle chatter. It is a seductive bad habit.
I feel like if I worry enough I might figure something out. Life is funny though because I know that there is nothing to figure out. It seems hopeless. Yet all is possible…well seemingly so. I really know nothing about things.
I know alot. I know what to tell other people. I just don’t know what to tell myself. I know how to help others. I just don’t know how to help myself. Sometimes I want to take the short cut. So I don’t have to work so hard and so exhaustively.
Even the smallest interactions have become a burden upon me. That is really horrible I know. Interacting should be a entralling experience and times it can be. It is just that I am so aware. So aware when I am not what people want or expect.
When people want more or something different. At times I feel bad. So bad that I can’t give them that peace. I want to get it right all the time. I want people say you know I couldn’t ever get it right alot in life but I got it right with her.
You can’t get it right with everyone though. You can be the most beautiful song and yet there is always going to be someone who would rather change the station. I try to remind myself of that. That other peoples expectations aren’t my responsibility. My heath is.
I feel like I am the only one who cares about my health at times. Sometimes it feels like people are daring me to go off the deep end. For me to say goodbye so they don’t have to. That they get tired of being so loyal and they get tired of how much I honor my loyalty.
People say and do such ugly things. In my head I can feel them like the wind at my back while standing at the edge of a cliff. Like maybe if they push hard enough that I will fall and it will look like an accident.
The way we act and treat people isn’t an accident though. At least it isn’t for me. Maybe I am that only one who cares about being careful with others fragility. I don’t ever want people to feel like me.
I feel so strong sometimes like they can’t touch because mostly they don’t. What I stand for seems so different from others. I feel like I just stay in my little dome and they look down in on me. Some times they will even sit and converse with me. Pick my brain to steal my ideas or to entertain themselves.
Then they get up and go on their merry way. And I am left there to sit and ponder on the reality of the moment. How I hate that word reality. Nothing seems real. Sometimes I just want to kill myself just to see if death is real.
REAL. What a dreadful word. It is used to cancel out other things. Perhaps I am really mad. I feel like it some times. Like I have to be mad if other people are sane. Or they have to be insane if I am sane. The things people do.
How can people be so harsh and careless? It makes no sense to me. Why would you be willing or want to ruin another person for something as trivial as an emotion or thought?
Why do I get so lonely? If there isn’t anything wrong? What if everything is okay? What if I am just tormenting myself? What if can be such a dreadful thing. Possibility if left in irresponsible hands can become a monster.
I going to be a better person. I am going to try. I am going to go to sleep. Tomorrow I am going to make an effort and find a difference between these thoughts now. Find something better if there is something better.
Death can’t be the answer since I know nothing about life yet. Then again plenty of people die everyday in ignorance. Who says I want to be like them? I want to be me. Who ever that person is.
A brilliant me. I’ll let the God in me take over and stop this faithlessness. I can do anything, right?