Awakening Sun.


You are so precious and darling.

A secret garden.

Walking a labyrinth

of your inner working

is so relaxing and reassuring

Find myself unraveling

with each step to the center

The more undone

I find it only gets the better

like the rising dawn

A blossoming sun

Personal Relations Towards Humanity


I feel my personality is not thoroughly appreciated for what it is. Perhaps I will stop gifting my personality less and less. Believe it or not, knowing me is a privilege. I could just as easily not exist at God’s will. People don’t think on that. I do. Very often. I go out of my way to respect and honor people. The more I live the more I see the differences between me and everyone else. We are all connected but choose to be divided. I am tired of putting effort into people, it’s a waste of my energy. I rather focus on my writing and music. People are a lost case that I leave up to God to find. I abandon Humanity to it’s own devices.

What I See


It’s been a long journey. I have come to this place though that I can finally say with such certainty that I am proud of who I am. I like who I am. I love who I am. I study all the aspects of myself with a strangers detachment. I analyze myself with such awe. It has never been so easy. I have never felt so unashamed to say I like what I see.

If you would have asked me maybe months ago. Without a doubt I would give you limitless reasons why I am ugly and a piece of shit. The only things I thought were remarkable about me was my voice and my writing. I couldn’t find any stretch of peace within myself.

Now I look at myself and I admire myself. I think little me would definitely look up to me. I like my hair and the way I look. I like my voice and my writing. I like the way I think and act. I don’t hate myself anymore.

I have come a long way. And yeah I still get depressed and wish I didn’t exist because I am tired of the world. But I no longer want to die because of how much I hate and can’t stand myself.

I enjoy who I am. I see myself the the eyes of the people that love and cherish me. If you would have told me my freshman year I would feel this way I wouldn’t believe you for anything. It is strange understanding and feeling this way about myself.

I almost wonder how I got here. Yes, with hard work and dedication but what changed? How did it change? I think change can be the biggest representation of God. Change works i mysterious ways and you never see it coming. It overwhelms your life so you know nothing else,

If you ask me if I am happy I will still have to say no. But I have made peace with who I am, with life, and with God. It makes me think of that band.”The World Is A Beautiful  Place And I am No Longer Afraid To Die.”

Or that song “Sleepwalking.” By The Casket Girls. I am not afraid or ashamed of who I am anymore. I understand all the aspects of me and accept them. It feels real good. If there is a peace, paradise, or heaven it is in this knowledge.

I truly believe there are no consequences or accidents. I believe that all my suffering was meant to lead me here. To this Awakening. To this Consciousness.

WHO I AM AND GENDER


I refuse to be seen as genderized. I don’t believe in gender and would rather not be seen as any gender. I don’t feel like a gender. I seriously don’t not see myself as a women. I don’t feel like anything. I am just an essence. Being an essence is what I want to be remembered and recognized as. I don’t want to be categorized as anything. I feel it devalues who I really am. I try to support what gender people see me as. I try to support all genders. It feels hypocritical though since I don’t believe in gender. I feel when we notice each others race, gender, and sexuality we limit each other. We put each others in boxes and keep each other at an arms length. We don’t have to face the reality of the way we behave and treat each other.

I believe all organisms were created by God. We are an extension of that God. I don’t see God as male. I believe in God as an Essence. If we are an extension of God and God is just an Essence. Than so am I and everyone else. I didn’t choose my gender, race, or sexuality. Growing up I wasn’t even aware of those things existence until they were taught to me. I figured if everyone else felt them then so should I. But I don’t.

To me they just aren’t real. They just seems like more illusions people create to separate and comfort themselves. I don’t feel any race. I don’t look at my skin and see a difference amongst my many ancestors. I just know that I am what I am. That it took many ancestors to live so that I could and that is all I know of them. I just refuse to let the ignorance of others project onto my life anymore.

I am an Essence that is connected to many Essences that  are all intermingled into one vast great Essence. All around me is that Essence.

Streams of Memories (An excerpt from on old journal entry of mine that I came across. I think my mind set was interesting for a tenth grader.)


You never did walk me home that night. Remember you said you’d walk me home because you were going to talk to a friend who lived by me anyway or something of that sort. So strange how we can remember the most mundane things. So strange how we can just as easily forget them, the most mundane things. Like watching a scene on an old black and white film. Instead you went home and I walked home all alone in the dark. Because the stars were my companions I was contented and humbled by the lonely stillness. There were no lights to blot out and take away from the starlight evanescence because all the lights of the town had gone out. And the night echoed with all the remaining knowledge and memories that laid untouched in my heart.

I remember sitting next to you by the lake, you told me you heard from your sister that I thought you were attractive. I told you, yes that I thought you were attractive. I never had the heart to tell anyone I never seemed to  be able to find a solid attraction in people my own age. If you weren’t an all together  middle aged person or dead, I had no sincere interest in you. Though that wasn’t conflicted without effort  I felt something shift within the strange radiation that curtained between us. Like a premonition of all our souls had to say that had gone unnoticed. You said you thought I was cute too. I was afraid to tell you that the lost uncertain look in your eyes was what held my gaze with an almost sustaining interest. And when you said I was cute my stomach dropped and my heart slowed to a shallow flicker. Something broke between us then. The distinction was then made that I was a women and you were a man. Reality settled in between us I never felt like a women. I just kind of floated on the surface of existence observing the passing moments. We sound like little kids looking back. Like lost children grabbing for what sweets we could get from the bitter world of life’s pinata.

Remember that day you took off your clothes down to your boxers and went swimming in the lake? I really wish I wasn’t feeling so upset that day because going back I would have just enjoyed your trust and openness. You rarely ever gave into fragility without the courage and shield of a drink…You meant that much in that moment. Such a distraction from the worries. A sort of relief. Almost a revelation to observe and behold how the smallest obscure details can fit into this image of carelessness. Almost to say look life is not so serious. We are all naked and can look ridiculous or free depending on the perception.

That day you got super drunk and wouldn’t talk to anyone….I was so humbled that you broke down and talked to me of all people. Though I am not certain why you would choose me over an understanding male friend who would relate easier. It means alot to know I was someone you could trust with your worries and fears. I was so content to just sit there and listen to you even though you were unhappy. I was so content with just being your friend. Because you were such an interesting friend, when you were not hiding from me. I studied each overwhelmed word and with a sudden burst of uncertainty urged to comfort you. Sometimes silence is better. Sometimes silence is comfort enough and being heard is all the solace we need. Your eyes were so blue with distress like an oceans raging storm. For a moment it was like tempering the hopelessness inside myself. Words burst forth from my soul trying to reassure the reflection of me in the crashing water of you. I clashed with the discomfort of uncertainty that radiated from both of us. It was beautiful the way the destruction of vast loneliness upon the stillness of the sea was disturbed by the storm of a hurricane. I was enchanted by both of our behavior. Beguiled by the vulnerability of being and the yearning for comfort from it.Such starving need engulfed both us. Such a remarkably strange comradery.

Remember when we were laying on the grass looking up at the stars? It was so dark but I felt so stagnant lying there with your head on my stomach, listening to you chatter on about life’s miscellaneous details. Contented to have company. Amused by your choices of conversation. Like studying a movement in stern concentration. Laying there with you in silence was all I could have asked for. Amongst the array chaos. There was the two of us in a seemingly confined world. Untouched for that one retrained moment. Levitating above the discombobulation of life for just one sustaining moment. I almost felt normal. Almost felt the humanity everyone talks about. A rare moment indeed.

Remember when we were walking towards the lake and I was upset. I relayed some disheartened comment. You then said I touched your heart. I felt your compromise for my honesty that you never asked for. And so I replied “I thought you didn’t have a heart remember?” I wanted it to end at that, so you didn’t have to feel like you had to sacrifice anything for me. You said ” I didn’t” then you looked was down at me and said.”but I think it’s slowly growing back.” I thought, “that if more than what I could say for myself.”Oh the corniness of our childish bantering. I searched to find the totality in your words. Were they for my benefit or yours. Hard to believe you would go through such an effort for me being as the fact remained that I was hardly a step up from an acquaintance. Right then you made my heart shutter because I felt the distance between your reassuring words and I. I became aware of how out of reach I was from even the people I was surrounded by everyday. How nothing seemed to completely touch me anymore. I felt like a phantom looking in on life whilst deceiving everyone otherwise. Creating a seemingly normal illusion of a teenage life. Witnessing all the details but not feeling the impact of any of them. That’s all I really wanted all along. Hope, for you to believe in and somehow love yourself. For you to not be anything like me. Searching for any semblance of actual existence. If you could make it then maybe I could piece together pieces of my life. Maybe even touch something existential. These realizations only come to the surface with you. Strange. Perhaps some people really are meant to reveal parts of you. Perhaps that is the essential purpose of the word soulmate. But what do I know?

What is Beauty?


They teach you being pretty takes you places

but not what to do to get those pretty faces

See I was never in the in crowd

Hair so frizzy it never laid down

Too awkward to be social

Too honest when lies were crucial

I never had long legs or long lashes

I put on highs heels and mascara

Took the innocent girl I was

and burnt her to ashes

Stopped eating so I can be lovely

Holding back so you can love me

My breast were too big

and my thighs too wide

How can I live?

how can I hide?

I will never be good enough

and I am so ugly!

Who would ever?

Who would ever love me?

I just want to be beautiful

I just want to be gorgeous

Have all the attention that the whores get

If I open my legs

If I get on my knees

If I beg

If I please

Will I ever be right

everything I do is wrong

Tried to shine in the light

but it seems like I have been in darkness along

I want you to look at me

and I want you to see

I’ve become everything you wanted me to be

All your brand of fucking pretty!

And still you won’t look my way

or glance at my fucking face!

You said if I was this

and if I had that

But now I am too broken

and you can’t stand that I am too sad

I don’t get it, I killed myself for you

Cause who I was wouldn’t do

And now you want the old me back

you miss my poetry and my awkward laugh

What the fuck do want from me and make it clear

because if beauty is confidence I was already there

But you told me I could be better

and that is what I tried to be

now you crash me to the ground

and say you just want me to be free

 

I was already yours.

I will never be for you again

Now I am mine

And now this is the end.

Cause I am sick and tired of this standard of pretty

I like my unruly hair

and what my curves do for me

and you know what, I wish you were dead

just so you can see, what it is like to kill yourself

and then have some asshole tell you to be free

Cause I was always fucking beautiful

Before your sickness crawled up inside me.

Endings


Please don’t start again

How you want to begin

introduced with an end

and how ugliness can beautiful

and how hideousness can be alluring

you met me with a hatred so dutiful

you said there was no point in curing

whispering haunting lies

of death and other pressing matters

if I leave no one cries

I deserve these rotting tatters

No, no one

No, not one

they never loved me

they will never miss a thing

I’ve decide its pointless

I have nothing left to bring

It all is hopeless

And you don’t think I’ll miss you

you decided I don’t count

I won’t stop you from what you’re determined to

You like being the odd one out

You have found your place finally

which is really no place at all

You made up your mind on who to be

Said you got tired of feeling small

And what would you do?

How would you feel?

If this actually comes true?

If you find out this is real?

And how dare you ask me this?

Put it on me knowing I’ll never forget

Knowing I will hold myself accountable in the mist

Of how I couldn’t save you and I’ll always regret

I think you need my guilt to be immortal

because you don’t really want to be dead.

Using death as a portal

your actions contradict everything you said

Do you really think if you leave you will be different?

Or is it that you’d just rather be nonexistent?

I don’t know what to tell you

and I don’t know how to help you

If you are looking to me for a reckoning

you don’t seem to be listening

If you don’t trust me to help

well, you are just going to save yourself

 

And you say

what if I don’t want to be saved?

What if I want to sink under?

because it feels so good to be low

I have fallen for the wonders

this endless pain is all I’ll ever know

You make self-abhorrence sound romantic

like something you can’t resist

You ask, can I be more tragic?

I think there is something that you missed

You use to smile

and you use to try

fight hard for awhile

seems like you gave up and I don’t know why

You say you can’t stand to be this way anymore

but you never try to change

don’t want to have sacrifice what you had before

but you can turn the page

You just don’t want to enough

you have all the choices

I am not reason tough

still you are listening the outside voices

Don’t come to me

if you are only going to give up

Don’t make me see

if you know I can’t bare the erupt

You know it is you I love

You know I hate this

we both know I’ll shatter in two

we both know it isn’t enough

 

I will miss you

if you ever have to ask

I will cry for you

because I know this won’t last

 

But you can stay

even if you go

you can still change

but I’ll never know

but I’ll never know