There alot of people who have been kind to me. Random strangers, close friends, and family. I have to stop and appreciate how rare that is. What kind of person I must be to have people reach out and share their time with me. I have wasted alot of time living the wrong way. Thinking I am fortunate to have people treat me so fairly. Instead of knowing my worth. Knowing that I deserve their kindness. That I deserve to be kind to myself. That I DESERVE positive things.
Just because I have been given unfortunate circumstances in life doesn’t mean I am an unfortunate circumstance.I think I confused being grateful and being deserving along the way. Every time I have devalued myself I have done myself a disservice. Pushed myself away from the God that resides in me. A God that is all. I don’t know how I got lost in this fucked up cycle. How I let this become so comfortable and okay. I have become my family. The people I said I would never be like.
I got comfortable and accepted dishonorable things just because they surround me. Thinking they are something I just have to put up with. I never learned how to be confident in myself. I let the insecurities and influence of others grow like weeds with the flowers in my garden. I thought as long as I was growing, flourishing, that I knew what I was doing. Malnourished things wither right?
As any good gardener knows though your flowers may grow for a while but eventually the weeds will kill the flowers. Suck them dry and ruin all your hard work. To have a beautiful garden you have to pull the weeds. I know I am still young but how did I get so afraid of myself? How did I let other people influence how I felt about myself? How did take over my life?
Mostly, why didn’t anyone ever tell me? They say, I am smart, intelligent, wise, pretty, cute, knowledgeable, perceptive, caring. How hard would it be to say between all those words that I am fucked up. That none of that matters if I filled with shit and negativity. You would think me being so self analytical I would have caught it sooner.
I was obviously in self-denial. Lying to myself like an idiot. Criticizing others for lying to themselves and not just getting the problem out of the way. Yet did I really give a shit about myself if I am barely figuring this all out? Most importantly of all, how to I cure this negative cycle that has eaten away at my entire family?
I am suppose to be different, levelheaded, analytical, reasonable, PERCEPTIVE. I was seeing everyone but myself. How did I learn to be who I am? How do I unlearn all these healthy habits? By acknowledging them? I have spent nineteen and one fourth of a year this way.
How do I make it better? Sooth all the raw cuts and burns. Water all the dry dirt. Refresh and shift the soil. Plant again and give myself room to grow? I really don’t want to be like the people in my family. Old and in denial. Miserable, angry, hating themselves. I know I have love in me. I just don’t know how to love. I think am willing to love.
I am just so damn jumpy. So weary of it. What is love? I have an idea, but very little evidence. Yet, when is love ever evident? I think I am very loved or I wouldn’t be having this conversation with myself. The more I know the more evident it becomes that I know nothing. I think that is God in me stinking it’s head out. This existence is filled with contradictions. We have all the knowledge there is and yet don’t have access to it unless we are vulnerable, open, and curious.