Beginnings

I like to be alone

buried deep down inside myself

safe and quiet

or trembling and loud

There is safety in numbers

and my number has always seemed to be one

I am so weary of this yearning to draw within

I feel like when I die I am going to cry

I am going to howl with the lack of vivid memories of others.

I hunger for these intimate secret moments with others

but limit them to pictures on a screen that I study for hours on end

sometimes watching people in action is not a interesting as watching them on film

in moments

I fall and fall again for my perfect idea of them

I turn them into art

I wonder if they would hate me for what I turn them into

or love me for the way I paint and my technique

would they fall for the way I see them too?

am I missing more art by creating?

and not admiring the art?

I don’t want to miss a thing

and life drives by too fast

I want to pause

rewind

absorb

understand

appreciate

I don’t want to die

I don’t want to live

I want to create

I want to make beautiful things out of trash

recycle the maleficent into aesthetics

I want to forget and create

I want to understand and appreciate

I clash

crash

smash

crush

twist

there are too many me’s

lost

lost

lost children

child

are my eyes big enough?

my hears sharp?

touch

taste

I don’t want to be a waste

I want to want enough

CAN ONE WANT TOO MUCH?

I sigh myself into exhaustion

stare at my reflection with intent

We aren’t going to fuck this up

we are going to live life

we aren’t fuck ups

we are artist

I envy God

If only for a second I could experience that great madness

if it was my ideal madness

infinity would be slow

intent

sure

appreciative

respectful

honorable

careful

mighty

beautiful

Drinking in every detail

drunk on experience

high on touch

Life would be hyper aware

Does God sit and love ?

Sit and obsess over perfect details

fall in love with it’s own thoughts

and delusions

ego?

just pride?

or art

delicious cruel art?

The answers are in passing moments

that will come and go

I want to stay

count all my precious darlings

 these moments

like it is enough

like I am not beginning

beginning

beginning.

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