Unearthly


maroon pages

and snowy slumber

feather light cages

these trials become her

green carriages 

propelling towards the divine

the primitive garden

clairvoyance and intuition

no sense of superiority 

just enigmatic drive

like a force

essence and being

none of the excuses

or disillusions

just is

are

now

nature

such ugly things

hold only abstraction 

and are just as feeble as the abstract

beauty is absolute

invoking

surreal 

and yet the closest connection of reality 

purple veins 

hungry vines

climbing

entwining

reaching

transcending

seemingly madness

only mad

only impossible

only inconceivable 

such barriers

restrictions

misery

I won’t be captured

I am its own

feyest

wandering

adventuring 

journeying

into ananda

into the inter realm 

the cosmos

away

away

away

in 

in

in

around

around

around

being

being

being

so ethereal

 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time


The greatest aspirations

with gardens to be made

love tried and lost

whilst my bones are laid

the diamond lays amongst the stars

a map of buried treasure

hidden in the trail of scars

my eye fails upon you

in this lasting I mewl

what crisp sweet water

does thirsty love sate

rest these trembling eyes

and tempt fate

would I not become death

would my golden skin

not compliment it’s kiss

and my chest not flatter

with the stillest breath

I fade onto the coming wind

it’s fetching caress a mercy upon me

if I remain stagnant

will I not be swept up and carried away

to the farthest places

puzzled upon every journey

bestowed upon all of life’s endless mazes

the wind graces every secret

and like air I would know all

become all

end and begin again

vast

silence is harrowing

it airs it’s song with such elegance

such an enigma that drifts through me

irresistible and encompassing

eclipsing

thorough

oh how now the rich colors

strewn across the immensity

poetry is it’s tender dance

such endearing chaos

like fingertips invading upon ones senses

engulfing

really lovely

neglected

skin upon you

art upon me

wonder much like a freshness

curiosity a rebirth

surely upon this moment

there is everlasting possibility

impossibly doomed

such beautiful calamity

I am awestruck

I feel human

almost alive

Haphephobia


my breast are hot and heavy

with the ghost of your touch

 Haphephobia

it has become too much

my heart is pounding

just from your breath

I am trembling

fighting with nothing left

I need you to want me

but you can’t touch

you make me happy

feelings and such

but your skin on my skin

is heaven and havoc, within

I am shaking

my sanity quaking

I don’t know why I am so afraid

people break things

in love with things they hate

I don’t know what to make

of your fingers outstretched

reach for my heart

pining for my chest

what if I told you

I am so skittish

would you hesitate

or force to the finish

all that I am

in my experience

I know that I can

just no will for perseverance

you say let go

let me take control

do you even how to

without destroying my soul

words are easy

good intentions are easier

but experience is a different matter

do you know what it is like to be shaken

or worse to be shattered

will you go through all extremes

to save me from you

or even me from me

talk is cheap because it is free

actions we keep because we pay

we feel the weight in every way

you say, why are you so stuck up

so locked down

why are people so corrupt

why do feet touch the ground

you don’t know what it’s like

til you feel the bite of the spike

pick your poison

I’ll hold you against your will

when your naivety is broken

then you will have glimpse of what I feel

I am fighting to live

struggling to forget

to let go and forgive

without the hold of regret

you may not think so

but I know what is best

it is easy to go

when you don’t know the rest

so carry on with caution

warning, all structures are unstable

I will be better

with or without you

because I am willing and able.

Negativity


Be conscious of your thoughts. What you choose to accept and ignore has a far bigger effect than you think. Don’t let other people think for you. Find who you are amongst your thoughts and strengthen that being. Think positive and you will be positive.

I know it is hard to get out of bad habits, especially bad thinking habits. Make notes of bad thoughts. Like judging and why you do it. I guarantee the reason is closer to home than you think. Do you doubt yourself?

When you go to do something, do you immediately second guess yourself and talk yourself out of being happy? Does not being miserable make you feel guilty or unsettled? Sometimes just by acknowledging the negativity as a defense mechanism we separate the negativity from who we are as an essence.

Slowly start replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Whenever you catch yourself criticizing or doubting yourself stop and smile. Really big and ridiculously. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Stop and enjoy life. Most importantly stop and enjoy who and what you are.

When you feel anxious and stressed, stop and breath. Really slow inhaling and exhaling. On the inhale think “I am life”. On exhale think “I am death.” Everyday our cells die and new ones come in their stead.  Life and death is essential to the natural order.

Somethings have to die in your life for you to truly live. Negative thoughts, influences, and actions. Life and death are one and the same. Meditate on what needs to die and what needs to be given life. Find positive motivations in life.

Roles models. Quotes. Ect. Try to find one positive thing about your day, each day. Even if it is  really small. Whether it is a piece of clothing or the smell of your shampoo. Find things to be grateful for.

We are addicted to negativity. It is an addiction that goes unnoticed and unacknowledged through history, everyday life, and can even be passed on through our genes. Like alcoholics. It is important to make a conscious decision to want to be better.

If you don’t really want it, it isn’t going to happen. You have to commit to positivity and invest in yourself. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t see immediate results. It takes hard work and time to relearn positive habits. Egypt wasn’t built in a day and neither will you be.

For as long as I can remember I was always a worried and anxious person. Never comfortable in my skin unless I was distracted from my own mind. Even my mother has told me I was a very anxious child. I struggled with depression for seven years. Since I was in fifth grade. It took me until my senior year to want to really delicate myself to finding love and peace from within.

This a day to day journey from me. I had gone on and off from sophomore to senior struggling with my mind and what I wanted. As much as I wanted to find Ananda ((in Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism) extreme happiness, one of the highest states of being.) I didn’t know how to be positive.

Well, I did towards others. Just not with myself. I made the conscious decision to stop giving up on myself and to believe in me. I think you have to realize there is no benefit in hating yourself.

If you don’t love, honor, and respect yourself no one will. And it discredits our Creator. We are it’s art. We should do life justice.

Take time to find yourself, you might be surprised with what you find. I know I was.

Vibes


moments suspended

infinite

we choose to end it

choices

our actions

speak louder than our voices

I wish I could unlearn the lies

all the doubt behind my eyes

but my eyes are opened wide

and you can’t hide

the shadows are only illusions

beautiful mysteries

created by our delusions

the truth 

the light

the answers

we keep out of sight

they are echoes

these thoughts in the background

our conscious knows

every second we are reborn

and every second we have a choice

to be redeemed from the forlorn

to accept and rejoice

the more I know

the more I don’t

I need to let go

but I am afraid I won’t

this war isn’t with me

it is with everything I was brainwashed to be

I don’t want any of it

it doesn’t mean a thing

as long as the candle is lit

I will find love can bring

as long as I remember the light

out of darkness I will do what is right

nothing but good vibes

living good lives

 

Atheist


“The people I don’t understand are atheists,” I go surfing and snowboarding, and I’m always around nature, I look at everything and think, ‘Who couldn’t believe there’s a God? Is all this a mistake?’ It just blows me away.” 
– Paul Walker

I think it doesn’t come down to atheist not believing in God. I think it comes down to atheist not believing in themselves. You can’t believe in anything, if you don’t believe in yourself first. The true cynics are those who doubt themselves. With self-doubt, you see all with visions of doubt. 

For without faith, we are without passion. True passion comes from believing wholeheartedly. What is the world without possibility, hope, faith, and magic? We are what we put into the world. Most importantly we are what we invest into ourselves. If we invest negativity, we will only receive negativity. If we invest positivity, (acceptance that we are worthy of beautiful things) then we shall receive positivity. How can you look at this wondrous world and not feel God? I was atheist, I was so afraid and angry. I couldn’t accept the way things are, or who I was. All God is our reflection staring back at us. If you hate God, you hate yourself. If you love God, you love yourself. I think this is something you can only understand and truly appreciate when you experience it. I see God as the universe, life, and our essence. Our relationship with our idea of God is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. The universe, life, and who we are, are all intermingled. There is no separating it. As long as you are in conflict with what is and yourself, you shall never know peace. 

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

 

 

Today


I carefully fold myself up

and put myself away

today

I have been trying so hard

trying to figure out how to be okay

I practice what I know

trying to take my advice

trying to keep it together

so everything turns out right

trying to be a better me

trying to live up to the word free

if I could

figure this out

if I had an inkling

could I be free of this doubt

I have such big dreams

that are far too big

for a small body like me

I whispered it

it became a prayer

then a chant

If I can

I know I can’t

I bring myself down

where is my courage to be defeated

If I fall

I decide if I end it

if it is completed

it became a whisper

a prayer

then a chant

I know I can

I know I can

I grew up so afraid

to make a mistake

no one told me

that only champions

win by failing with grace

I wish I knew

I have wasted so much time

hiding my face

I could have been bolder

if I was taught to persevere

I am so much older

but I am still here

it became a whisper

a prayer 

then a chant

oh god, give me one more chance

just one more chance

I want to make a change

just one more heart beat

for today

so I can be better

and be so much better than okay

I have dreams

too big for this small body

I believe

more than what can stop me

and if I am god

If I am awed

let it be today

there is always

a better way

 let me find the strength

just one more second

one more minute

one more hour

one more day

I am going to find a better way

 

 

Right


I know I am selfish. I know I am not always there when people talk to me. I don’t give them as much as they want from me. I hurt the people that adore me. I just don’t know how to be what they want and happy. I keep who I am from people. I try to be more open. I guess I am not use to the idea of me belonging to someone else. My mind being shared. I am use to owning me. I am use to thinking I am alone and have to do everything on my own. Not relying on anyone. I still don’t feel comforting relying on others. I let people down. I feel like they are waiting for me to live life. I feel like I am too. I am always in my head. Everything is a thought to me. I am trying to think less and experience more. Thoughts are so beautiful though. You can hold a thought. A thought can be magical. I am not my thoughts though. I have to realize that and experience life before it is too late. I want to enchant people. I want an enchanting life. I want to get it together and be. I know too much and it is all in my head. So many paths. So little time. I have to do this right.