Confession 1

Write about your strongest memory of heart-pounding belly-twisting nervousness: what caused the adrenaline? Was it justified? How did you respond?

I have been in alot of messy situations. I am not one to usually to give in to fear, I am too prideful in that regard. To be overcome by own body disturbs be to a certain degree. I can not remember a moment that stands out the most. Since it takes a great degree of self-doubt and exponential danger to unsettle me and get my  pulse racing. So I will just name one that pops in my head first.

Sometimes I get really anxious and mad at the same time. Most likely I get mad at the same time I am anxious because I am not comfortable with other people seeing me intimidated. I also don’t like the fact that it is possible to intimate me. Most of the time when someone tries to intimate me I end up laughing out of plain amusement or out of a sort of defence mechanism. Most of the time I can’t take it seriously. I can’t stand when people try to intimate me. Most of the time it makes me pretty angry and it makes me lose respect for the people who try to take advantage of me by trying to intimidate me. It makes me think that you have no respect for me as a person, that you have to resort to belittling me. Instead of just talking things out with me or treating me fairly. With that being said keep this piece of information in mind when reading the following story.

The latest was being accused of something I didn’t do. The person who accused me I admired and wanted to expect more of, but lets say I wasn’t too surprised this person gave into the influence of others. I was majorly disappointed and a bit disheartened. I felt betrayed. I told this person what I thought of them recently before and this person had tried to reassure me they were differently entirely from the assessment I made. Which had been one of honest disapproval and distrust. This person swore up and down that they were trustable and reliable. I think I was justified in my mistrust and within good reason too.

I just remember feeling this anger and betrayal emancipating from this person and the look of outrage that had immersed that person. Without even asking or considering what my reply would be, they had already given into the belief of the other person. Written me off. It was ironic really. We were both swarming in the same emotions for different reasons. Me for being dishonored. This person because they had been seen for entirely who they were by another person. Mad because I wouldn’t believe a lie that that person couldn’t even live up to.  Perhaps it was the same reason after all, maybe we both felt dishonored in different ways.

In the end I ended up blowing this person off with a bullshit answer. The way they blew me off with a bullshit misjudgement. I knew it was just an excuse. Things had become too intimate for comfort at times with this person. This person wasn’t easy with intimacy. Had been looking for an excuse to slip out of our acquaintanceship for quite a while. I had been looking for a way to reassure this person or slip quietly out of the relationship.

I remember being really fucking anxious to talking to this person. I had already seen the look of judgement and betrayal on this persons face and right then something in me just broke a little. Another person judging me. Another person who had no faith in me. Another person to fade into the background with the rest of the world. I knew just by looking on this person that whatever intimacy we shared had came to a shattered fragmented end. Right when there eyes meant mine. I knew were done.

That profound recognition resonated through my whole body because there was only one other time I ever felt that way with this person. The second time I met them. The time I decided I really genuinely liked this person. Right after I acknowledged that decision a feeling of complete apprehension washed through me. I knew I shouldn’t and couldn’t like this person. I knew it was bad for me to even admire them. Even as just a subject. I knew an innocent benevolent part of me felt a raw endearment for this person and a forbidden attraction. Even to a certain artistic love an artist has for a muse.

It was forbidden this admiration, I knew this. As if I felt it before, in another person. Another time. Perhaps this was deja vu. Perhaps a soulmate. Perhaps another life meeting another life. The apprehension, heart wrenching recognition of tragedy and wishful thinking. I had been thinking of being merciful. Just letting it go and just be written off once again.

This person hadn’t even had the guts to say I don’t feel comfortable with our relationship anymore. They expected me to go quietly. How the fuck had I earned that treatment? I remember going over this all in my head. Putting the puzzle pieces together in my mind. Getting really anxious and angry. I had gone through great lengths to always make this person feel comfortable around me. Shutting off parts of myself in the process for their benefit.

No, I wouldn’t and couldn’t go quietly. Not like a ghost in the wind. Not like a spurned breeze. No, they would know all before I left. Know me in complete honor before I strutted out. They would be a nuisance the way I was for them. They would know my bitterness as I had tasted theirs. In this, in parting we would be fair. In this wretched underestimation, there would be the aches of sweet glory. In the end, we would find the equation of the entirety of the relationship. All we were would be measured and acknowledge.

I deserved that much. To be mourned and acknowledge. Even if just for the disheveled thing we were. Was honor too much to ask? Civility? Was it justified? You decide. Was I just being prideful? Perhaps. People have done worse in the sake of pride. I like to think my actions were the obligation of Libra. That in sincerity and genuine care I searched for a fair ending. Maybe for both of us. Or maybe just for myself. Maybe out of impatience with myself. For being the predictable person who always does the right thing. Maybe, just like the stars, I can’t bare to go quietly.

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